It would have been nice to know this sooner

It starts off very subtle as it is something you have been doing for years and years, which is, talking to your children about all parts of life as you build the parent child relationship. This continues to happen slowly and progressively as they continue to add candles on their birthday cake. As they become of school age, they are likely to share about their teachers, how life isn’t fair and what kid is nice and which one is a jerk, and oh right, about how great everyone else’s parents are – but not you. During the parent child relationship, you are likely inclined to give feedback, very often this comes in the form of advice. The parent child relationship continues through middle school, high school, and it feels almost “suddenly” they are 17, almost 18 years old. At that point it feels rather natural and normal that you continue to hear all about their life and share your advice, and that’s all good, right? Well yes and no.  Yes, it’s great you are having conversations with your child and have not been totally shut out of their life. The no part is; no, you don’t want to continue the parent child relationship, which includes the advice-giving part.  What you now want to do is transition to an adult adult relationship. The relationship formula looks like this; you listen more and talk less. Listening is one of the key parts in the transition to adult adult relationship. There comes a point your child calling you all the time and telling you everything is not okay especially if you are doing more than listening.  You may think and feel it is okay to give your opinion, saying to yourself, after all, we are just a very close family. And you may very well be. The trick is to be a close family in a healthy way.  A healthy close family is when the parents become mindful as their children are becoming emerging adults to encourage them to start talking to you less about personal matters and more about general occurrences in their life. Recognizing and honoring their growth is another key variable and adds to the strength of the adult adult relationship. An unhealthy close family is where the emerging adult continues to share all of their personal life struggles with you, including seeking out your opinion on their struggles. Thus you remain in the parent child relationship, and then you try to play therapist, friend, teacher and life coach.

What is the first thing you should do when a difficult situation occurs with your children?

Typically when a difficult situation occurs with your children the first thing you do as parents is go into respond mode. The problem is respond mode often times gets partnered with hurry up mode. The first thing you should do when a difficult situation occurs with your children is to slow down. If the situation requires you to make a decision about the next step and you make it in a hurry, you aren’t going to make the best choice. Unless your child requires 911 attention, slow the process down. I promise you the more time you put between your thoughts and your decisions the better off the outcome will be for everybody. 

You will parent far better if you know about these places

Typically, one parent comes from a logical mind and one parent comes for an emotional mind. It is best parents can combine these places. When doing so, the logical mind + the emotional mind, equals the wise mind. This is the best place to parent from.  The wise mind allows you to respond without the emotional "heartache" that comes from saying NO to your child. The wise mind also allows you to combine logic with emotion, as a response that comes from just a logical place historically does not work. Your children are emotional beings, not robots. A relationship can not be built on logic. 

Are you frustrated by your kids approach to college?

If you are finding yourself frustrated by the many different thoughts your kids have about college, or no thoughts at all, please consider in part it's because we are in  2018 and not 1982. Their whole trajectory through high school was so much different than yours, most importantly, the time allowed to build personal growth and character was greatly reduced. There was a lot of personal growth hindered by technology. Feel free to reach out to talk with me about any challenges you may have with your own kids. 

Have you ever considered asking your children?

Have you ever considered asking your children what they find most helpful or not helpful about your parenting? You might be very surprised at what you hear and how helpful it will actually be.

Do you want to know what parents often forget to do?

As parents we tend to be inclined to always manage or teach our kids. Try not to forget how important it is to simply be with them.  

Do you ever feel pressed by your kids to make a quick decision?

If your child needs an answer right now, immediately, this moment, the best answer is probably NO

Do you ever wonder if you are on the right path with your kids?

If it feels uncomfortable you are probably doing the right thing.