It would have been nice to know this sooner

It starts off very subtle as it is something you have been doing for years and years, which is, talking to your children about all parts of life as you build the parent child relationship. This continues to happen slowly and progressively as they continue to add candles on their birthday cake. As they become of school age, they are likely to share about their teachers, how life isn’t fair and what kid is nice and which one is a jerk, and oh right, about how great everyone else’s parents are – but not you. During the parent child relationship, you are likely inclined to give feedback, very often this comes in the form of advice. The parent child relationship continues through middle school, high school, and it feels almost “suddenly” they are 17, almost 18 years old. At that point it feels rather natural and normal that you continue to hear all about their life and share your advice, and that’s all good, right? Well yes and no.  Yes, it’s great you are having conversations with your child and have not been totally shut out of their life. The no part is; no, you don’t want to continue the parent child relationship, which includes the advice-giving part.  What you now want to do is transition to an adult adult relationship. The relationship formula looks like this; you listen more and talk less. Listening is one of the key parts in the transition to adult adult relationship. There comes a point your child calling you all the time and telling you everything is not okay especially if you are doing more than listening.  You may think and feel it is okay to give your opinion, saying to yourself, after all, we are just a very close family. And you may very well be. The trick is to be a close family in a healthy way.  A healthy close family is when the parents become mindful as their children are becoming emerging adults to encourage them to start talking to you less about personal matters and more about general occurrences in their life. Recognizing and honoring their growth is another key variable and adds to the strength of the adult adult relationship. An unhealthy close family is where the emerging adult continues to share all of their personal life struggles with you, including seeking out your opinion on their struggles. Thus you remain in the parent child relationship, and then you try to play therapist, friend, teacher and life coach.

What is the first thing you should do when a difficult situation occurs with your children?

Typically when a difficult situation occurs with your children the first thing you do as parents is go into respond mode. The problem is respond mode often times gets partnered with hurry up mode. The first thing you should do when a difficult situation occurs with your children is to slow down. If the situation requires you to make a decision about the next step and you make it in a hurry, you aren’t going to make the best choice. Unless your child requires 911 attention, slow the process down. I promise you the more time you put between your thoughts and your decisions the better off the outcome will be for everybody. 

You will parent far better if you know about these places

Typically, one parent comes from a logical mind and one parent comes for an emotional mind. It is best parents can combine these places. When doing so, the logical mind + the emotional mind, equals the wise mind. This is the best place to parent from.  The wise mind allows you to respond without the emotional "heartache" that comes from saying NO to your child. The wise mind also allows you to combine logic with emotion, as a response that comes from just a logical place historically does not work. Your children are emotional beings, not robots. A relationship can not be built on logic. 

A helpful awareness about parenting would be to understand what parenting is not.

Do you find yourself often times trying to orchestrate your life around all the daily comings and goings of having children? My guess is you do – if you have children that’s what happens. However, do you also find yourself feeling frustrated or even possibly resentful because so much of their lives “conflict” with so much of your life. Parenting is not convenient, it will be helpful if you accept that as soon as possible.

A BIG reframe on motivating your kids is to……

I often fine when working with parents they are still working from an external mindset. In other words, to motivate their kids they utilize external consequences, most particularly made up ones don't work particularly well,  or parents resort to some sort of external pressure. The key word here is external. If you truly want your kids to be motivated the key is to help them find their own internal motivation. The goal is for them to become internally motivated instead of externally pressured. In closing, I am grateful you read this - thank you. 

Best way to get your kids to engage in college!

There is a reason there are no homeroom parents in college their room is no longer at home. If they ask you to help them navigate challenges happening on campus encourage your student to use school resources. Don't do it for them.  That is the best way to get your kid to engage in college.  Also, bonus tip here -- parents living close to home beware – YOU and your kids may think it’s great if you live close to the campus and your kid comes home often. Actually, it isn’t. It prolongs any possibility of a connection to their college campus and continues their dependence on you.

Best tip on teaching your kids to solve their own challenges.

As parents YOU can solve your kid’s problems for them and you will be doing that forever OR you can let them solve their own problems and they will be able to do that forever ….

Where is the best place to parent from?

We will always parent for our best place if we make choices based on what’s healthy for our children and not based on what our neighbors, friends, family or co-workers would think.

What unresolved challenges are you not dealing with that are showing up in your parenting?

A question parents can ask of themselves that, might not only help with your own personal growth, but could greatly enhance the quality of your parenting.

The best thing you can do as a parent.

One of the best things and one of the hardest things I ever did as a parent was to learn how to tolerate the discomfort of parenting.

Are you frustrated by your kids approach to college?

If you are finding yourself frustrated by the many different thoughts your kids have about college, or no thoughts at all, please consider in part it's because we are in  2018 and not 1982. Their whole trajectory through high school was so much different than yours, most importantly, the time allowed to build personal growth and character was greatly reduced. There was a lot of personal growth hindered by technology. Feel free to reach out to talk with me about any challenges you may have with your own kids. 

Have you ever considered asking your children?

Have you ever considered asking your children what they find most helpful or not helpful about your parenting? You might be very surprised at what you hear and how helpful it will actually be.

Do you want to know the most overused question by parents?

Most overused question asked to youth that 100% of the time goes absolutely nowhere. What were you thinking?

Do you want to know what parents often forget to do?

As parents we tend to be inclined to always manage or teach our kids. Try not to forget how important it is to simply be with them.  

Do you ever feel pressed by your kids to make a quick decision?

If your child needs an answer right now, immediately, this moment, the best answer is probably NO

Do you ever wonder if you are on the right path with your kids?

If it feels uncomfortable you are probably doing the right thing. 

Tolerance, Motivation, Consequences and Responsibility

“Without making the actual attempt, without trial and strife, there can be no true knowledge, no progress, no high achievement, and no legend.”

Quote by: Brendon Burchard from his book: The Motivation Manifesto

One Sunday afternoon I was reading on the couch when I realized I hadn’t heard my son, who was in high school at the time, mention getting his homework done yet that weekend. I went upstairs to check on him and I asked if he had completed his homework for school tomorrow. He stopped and looked at me with a smirky grin on his face. “Just like clockwork,” he said. “You know mom, I almost never have to worry about my homework because I know you are always going to come up and remind me.” I took a step back – he had a good point. A few weeks later, I encountered this same feeling when I reminded him to brush his teeth. He didn’t say anything about it at the time, but after he went off to college for his first semester, he came home and shared with me in his loving yet sarcastic tone, he surprised himself that he was still brushing his teeth every night, despite me not being there to remind him!

When I look back on those years, I think about all the various things I used to nudge him about. I think about the energy between us, and how the house in general might have been different had I stopped nudging him all together. For one, I am confident it would have helped decrease the “angst” between us. Potentially it would have also encouraged him much sooner in life to be responsible for his own needs.  I think as parents we sometimes feel our role is to be the never-ending enforcer of our children’s “to do list”.  I have a picture in my mind of kids sitting around texting their friends, while simultaneously playing video games, eating a burrito and taking selfies. Mom or Dad usher in and out of the room asking, have you studied for your test, did you get your college essay completed, have you investigated that light that is staying on in your car? And when are you going to walk the dog?

Parents do not intentionally set out to keep their children from discovering what it means to be responsible or feel consequences. It appears however, it is the unintentional consequences of parents thinking that long after the diaper as come off parents need to continue to wipe their children’s behind, because parents think, “If I don’t- they never will!”. After all, if we don’t remind them to take their lunch to school, do their homework, check in with a teacher, check out time schedules for sports or deadlines then surely they will not do these things. Then, heaven forbid, if they don’t do these things they will feel some sort of consequence that we think would be horrible for them.

The challenge is for you as parents to tolerate the discomfort that your child “failed” to follow through and felt a consequence. The thing is this: They will never learn to be responsible, worry or be concerned if this pattern continues, and even worse – they also won’t learn to be motivated to do anything. If you consider a habit being a pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition, then you might want to consider what habits you are instilling in your children when you worry for them.   

Contracts Between Parents and Their Children

Contract is a noun meaning a written or spoken agreement, especially one concerning employment or sales that is intended to be enforceable by law. I have often worked with parents that feel utilizing a contract with their children is brilliant. Parents often even act like they were the first ones to think of this idea! They conclude, after all, if we have a contract with our kids they will certainly follow through. Why they would never be so foolish as to break the contract because the consequences for them are just way too dire. Typically, the consequences are simple, straightforward and directly to the point and are as follows; you will be cut off financially, or asked to move out, or loose the use of the car. Now back to the meaning of contract as defined by Webster, the part where it shares “intended to be enforceable by law”. That’s the thing a contract between parent and child typically are not intended to be enforceable by law. This is where the spirit of the contract meets the reality of a parental constructed contract. Historically, parents will not enforce the consequences by cutting their child off financially, kicking them out of the house or taking the car. The other challenge is when someone breaks the contract, which will happen, it is just a question of when and by who, the intended enforcer are the parents. The essential conundrum typically is whatever your child has done to break the contract most likely will only be perpetuated by you then following through on the contract.

When I work with parents that share they want to utilize a contract I gently discourage it. Recently one parent wanted to utilize a contract proclaiming her daughter was to make a 3.0 GPA in college. I asked her what was the plan when the contract was broken. She calmly paused and said, oh I don’t know.  The alternative to contracts are conversations. Conversations about agreements that you both are willing to follow and discuss as life unfolds. No dire consequences, no intended enforcer need be etched onto parchment. Just a conversation that allows everyone the opportunity to do the best they can in support of one another. If we as adults, parents, and professionals respect the growing process that young adults are going through we are all far better off in the end because then we are working together, typically for the same goal, and not constantly arguing about how best to “get there”. 

The Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome

Historically family traditions come with the unspoken hard and fast rule that no member of a family should ever miss THE family gathering. Specifically, the ones that center around family traditional gatherings, the Fall and Winter holidays, Birthdays and Anniversaries.  This is where the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome comes in. The syndrome is as follows; parents think that because it always has been, it always needs to be. That in order for the event to be THE event, and completely special, everyone has to attend. This is the real kicker; parents often feel everyone has to be there even if actually having everyone there makes it unpleasant for others. But oh no this cannot happen. We must, oh we must have the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree, so to speak, in order for this special occasion to be THE special occasion it has always been. In other words, no turkey, no trimming, special event ruined. I was only able to coin this syndrome because recently I realized I was doing this myself.

This past December when my two adult children came home for the December holidays I thought it would be great for us all to attend the opening of the new train station in Denver. I thought, how festive it would be, how traditional it would feel, the four of us doing something eventful and special together over the winter break. My daughter Anna said that it sounded great, my son Ross said why would we do that. In that moment my fantasy holiday family outing was obliterated. Then Anna said to me, you know mom maybe you, dad and I should just go. Ross does not have to go if he does not want to, but why does that mean the three of us can’t. The three of us will have a great time and it will be special for us. Then perhaps you, Dad and Ross can do something that will be special for you three. We do not all have to be together just because it’s the Winter Holidays. In that moment I coined the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome. If you have a child that would rather not attend a family gathering because they have outgrown it, have a meaningful conflict, or they simply do not get along in those gatherings, with pleasure allow them to bow out. It will make the occasion much more joyous for everyone. If you are concerned about what others will think, well for one that is an entirely different syndrome, and secondly, perhaps you will model an enlightened way to make healthy choices for you and your family.  Sometimes having the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree can just make for a nice portrait that captures no meaningful family pleasure at all.