Tolerance, Motivation, Consequences and Responsibility

“Without making the actual attempt, without trial and strife, there can be no true knowledge, no progress, no high achievement, and no legend.”

Quote by: Brendon Burchard from his book: The Motivation Manifesto

One Sunday afternoon I was reading on the couch when I realized I hadn’t heard my son, who was in high school at the time, mention getting his homework done yet that weekend. I went upstairs to check on him and I asked if he had completed his homework for school tomorrow. He stopped and looked at me with a smirky grin on his face. “Just like clockwork,” he said. “You know mom, I almost never have to worry about my homework because I know you are always going to come up and remind me.” I took a step back – he had a good point. A few weeks later, I encountered this same feeling when I reminded him to brush his teeth. He didn’t say anything about it at the time, but after he went off to college for his first semester, he came home and shared with me in his loving yet sarcastic tone, he surprised himself that he was still brushing his teeth every night, despite me not being there to remind him!

When I look back on those years, I think about all the various things I used to nudge him about. I think about the energy between us, and how the house in general might have been different had I stopped nudging him all together. For one, I am confident it would have helped decrease the “angst” between us. Potentially it would have also encouraged him much sooner in life to be responsible for his own needs.  I think as parents we sometimes feel our role is to be the never-ending enforcer of our children’s “to do list”.  I have a picture in my mind of kids sitting around texting their friends, while simultaneously playing video games, eating a burrito and taking selfies. Mom or Dad usher in and out of the room asking, have you studied for your test, did you get your college essay completed, have you investigated that light that is staying on in your car? And when are you going to walk the dog?

Parents do not intentionally set out to keep their children from discovering what it means to be responsible or feel consequences. It appears however, it is the unintentional consequences of parents thinking that long after the diaper as come off parents need to continue to wipe their children’s behind, because parents think, “If I don’t- they never will!”. After all, if we don’t remind them to take their lunch to school, do their homework, check in with a teacher, check out time schedules for sports or deadlines then surely they will not do these things. Then, heaven forbid, if they don’t do these things they will feel some sort of consequence that we think would be horrible for them.

The challenge is for you as parents to tolerate the discomfort that your child “failed” to follow through and felt a consequence. The thing is this: They will never learn to be responsible, worry or be concerned if this pattern continues, and even worse – they also won’t learn to be motivated to do anything. If you consider a habit being a pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition, then you might want to consider what habits you are instilling in your children when you worry for them.   

Contracts Between Parents and Their Children

Contract is a noun meaning a written or spoken agreement, especially one concerning employment or sales that is intended to be enforceable by law. I have often worked with parents that feel utilizing a contract with their children is brilliant. Parents often even act like they were the first ones to think of this idea! They conclude, after all, if we have a contract with our kids they will certainly follow through. Why they would never be so foolish as to break the contract because the consequences for them are just way too dire. Typically, the consequences are simple, straightforward and directly to the point and are as follows; you will be cut off financially, or asked to move out, or loose the use of the car. Now back to the meaning of contract as defined by Webster, the part where it shares “intended to be enforceable by law”. That’s the thing a contract between parent and child typically are not intended to be enforceable by law. This is where the spirit of the contract meets the reality of a parental constructed contract. Historically, parents will not enforce the consequences by cutting their child off financially, kicking them out of the house or taking the car. The other challenge is when someone breaks the contract, which will happen, it is just a question of when and by who, the intended enforcer are the parents. The essential conundrum typically is whatever your child has done to break the contract most likely will only be perpetuated by you then following through on the contract.

When I work with parents that share they want to utilize a contract I gently discourage it. Recently one parent wanted to utilize a contract proclaiming her daughter was to make a 3.0 GPA in college. I asked her what was the plan when the contract was broken. She calmly paused and said, oh I don’t know.  The alternative to contracts are conversations. Conversations about agreements that you both are willing to follow and discuss as life unfolds. No dire consequences, no intended enforcer need be etched onto parchment. Just a conversation that allows everyone the opportunity to do the best they can in support of one another. If we as adults, parents, and professionals respect the growing process that young adults are going through we are all far better off in the end because then we are working together, typically for the same goal, and not constantly arguing about how best to “get there”. 

The Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome

Historically family traditions come with the unspoken hard and fast rule that no member of a family should ever miss THE family gathering. Specifically, the ones that center around family traditional gatherings, the Fall and Winter holidays, Birthdays and Anniversaries.  This is where the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome comes in. The syndrome is as follows; parents think that because it always has been, it always needs to be. That in order for the event to be THE event, and completely special, everyone has to attend. This is the real kicker; parents often feel everyone has to be there even if actually having everyone there makes it unpleasant for others. But oh no this cannot happen. We must, oh we must have the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree, so to speak, in order for this special occasion to be THE special occasion it has always been. In other words, no turkey, no trimming, special event ruined. I was only able to coin this syndrome because recently I realized I was doing this myself.

This past December when my two adult children came home for the December holidays I thought it would be great for us all to attend the opening of the new train station in Denver. I thought, how festive it would be, how traditional it would feel, the four of us doing something eventful and special together over the winter break. My daughter Anna said that it sounded great, my son Ross said why would we do that. In that moment my fantasy holiday family outing was obliterated. Then Anna said to me, you know mom maybe you, dad and I should just go. Ross does not have to go if he does not want to, but why does that mean the three of us can’t. The three of us will have a great time and it will be special for us. Then perhaps you, Dad and Ross can do something that will be special for you three. We do not all have to be together just because it’s the Winter Holidays. In that moment I coined the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome. If you have a child that would rather not attend a family gathering because they have outgrown it, have a meaningful conflict, or they simply do not get along in those gatherings, with pleasure allow them to bow out. It will make the occasion much more joyous for everyone. If you are concerned about what others will think, well for one that is an entirely different syndrome, and secondly, perhaps you will model an enlightened way to make healthy choices for you and your family.  Sometimes having the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree can just make for a nice portrait that captures no meaningful family pleasure at all.