Contracts Between Parents and Their Children

Contract is a noun meaning a written or spoken agreement, especially one concerning employment or sales that is intended to be enforceable by law. I have often worked with parents that feel utilizing a contract with their children is brilliant. Parents often even act like they were the first ones to think of this idea! They conclude, after all, if we have a contract with our kids they will certainly follow through. Why they would never be so foolish as to break the contract because the consequences for them are just way too dire. Typically, the consequences are simple, straightforward and directly to the point and are as follows; you will be cut off financially, or asked to move out, or loose the use of the car. Now back to the meaning of contract as defined by Webster, the part where it shares “intended to be enforceable by law”. That’s the thing a contract between parent and child typically are not intended to be enforceable by law. This is where the spirit of the contract meets the reality of a parental constructed contract. Historically, parents will not enforce the consequences by cutting their child off financially, kicking them out of the house or taking the car. The other challenge is when someone breaks the contract, which will happen, it is just a question of when and by who, the intended enforcer are the parents. The essential conundrum typically is whatever your child has done to break the contract most likely will only be perpetuated by you then following through on the contract.

When I work with parents that share they want to utilize a contract I gently discourage it. Recently one parent wanted to utilize a contract proclaiming her daughter was to make a 3.0 GPA in college. I asked her what was the plan when the contract was broken. She calmly paused and said, oh I don’t know.  The alternative to contracts are conversations. Conversations about agreements that you both are willing to follow and discuss as life unfolds. No dire consequences, no intended enforcer need be etched onto parchment. Just a conversation that allows everyone the opportunity to do the best they can in support of one another. If we as adults, parents, and professionals respect the growing process that young adults are going through we are all far better off in the end because then we are working together, typically for the same goal, and not constantly arguing about how best to “get there”.