Tolerance, Motivation, Consequences and Responsibility

“Without making the actual attempt, without trial and strife, there can be no true knowledge, no progress, no high achievement, and no legend.”

Quote by: Brendon Burchard from his book: The Motivation Manifesto

One Sunday afternoon I was reading on the couch when I realized I hadn’t heard my son, who was in high school at the time, mention getting his homework done yet that weekend. I went upstairs to check on him and I asked if he had completed his homework for school tomorrow. He stopped and looked at me with a smirky grin on his face. “Just like clockwork,” he said. “You know mom, I almost never have to worry about my homework because I know you are always going to come up and remind me.” I took a step back – he had a good point. A few weeks later, I encountered this same feeling when I reminded him to brush his teeth. He didn’t say anything about it at the time, but after he went off to college for his first semester, he came home and shared with me in his loving yet sarcastic tone, he surprised himself that he was still brushing his teeth every night, despite me not being there to remind him!

When I look back on those years, I think about all the various things I used to nudge him about. I think about the energy between us, and how the house in general might have been different had I stopped nudging him all together. For one, I am confident it would have helped decrease the “angst” between us. Potentially it would have also encouraged him much sooner in life to be responsible for his own needs.  I think as parents we sometimes feel our role is to be the never-ending enforcer of our children’s “to do list”.  I have a picture in my mind of kids sitting around texting their friends, while simultaneously playing video games, eating a burrito and taking selfies. Mom or Dad usher in and out of the room asking, have you studied for your test, did you get your college essay completed, have you investigated that light that is staying on in your car? And when are you going to walk the dog?

Parents do not intentionally set out to keep their children from discovering what it means to be responsible or feel consequences. It appears however, it is the unintentional consequences of parents thinking that long after the diaper as come off parents need to continue to wipe their children’s behind, because parents think, “If I don’t- they never will!”. After all, if we don’t remind them to take their lunch to school, do their homework, check in with a teacher, check out time schedules for sports or deadlines then surely they will not do these things. Then, heaven forbid, if they don’t do these things they will feel some sort of consequence that we think would be horrible for them.

The challenge is for you as parents to tolerate the discomfort that your child “failed” to follow through and felt a consequence. The thing is this: They will never learn to be responsible, worry or be concerned if this pattern continues, and even worse – they also won’t learn to be motivated to do anything. If you consider a habit being a pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition, then you might want to consider what habits you are instilling in your children when you worry for them.