The Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome

Historically family traditions come with the unspoken hard and fast rule that no member of a family should ever miss THE family gathering. Specifically, the ones that center around family traditional gatherings, the Fall and Winter holidays, Birthdays and Anniversaries.  This is where the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome comes in. The syndrome is as follows; parents think that because it always has been, it always needs to be. That in order for the event to be THE event, and completely special, everyone has to attend. This is the real kicker; parents often feel everyone has to be there even if actually having everyone there makes it unpleasant for others. But oh no this cannot happen. We must, oh we must have the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree, so to speak, in order for this special occasion to be THE special occasion it has always been. In other words, no turkey, no trimming, special event ruined. I was only able to coin this syndrome because recently I realized I was doing this myself.

This past December when my two adult children came home for the December holidays I thought it would be great for us all to attend the opening of the new train station in Denver. I thought, how festive it would be, how traditional it would feel, the four of us doing something eventful and special together over the winter break. My daughter Anna said that it sounded great, my son Ross said why would we do that. In that moment my fantasy holiday family outing was obliterated. Then Anna said to me, you know mom maybe you, dad and I should just go. Ross does not have to go if he does not want to, but why does that mean the three of us can’t. The three of us will have a great time and it will be special for us. Then perhaps you, Dad and Ross can do something that will be special for you three. We do not all have to be together just because it’s the Winter Holidays. In that moment I coined the Turkey and the Trimmings Syndrome. If you have a child that would rather not attend a family gathering because they have outgrown it, have a meaningful conflict, or they simply do not get along in those gatherings, with pleasure allow them to bow out. It will make the occasion much more joyous for everyone. If you are concerned about what others will think, well for one that is an entirely different syndrome, and secondly, perhaps you will model an enlightened way to make healthy choices for you and your family.  Sometimes having the Turkey on the table and the trimmings on the tree can just make for a nice portrait that captures no meaningful family pleasure at all.